I am killer. I’m a heart-breaker. I’m a tease and a flirt. I ruin lives. I will destroy you in the blink of an eye and once you’re hooked, you can’t escape. Yes, you can walk away, but you’ll never forget me. I’ll always be with you, in the back of your mind. I’m the girl you compare all other girls to. I give you everything you want and then I tear it all away along with a chunk of your heart.
From the first “hello” we exchange, there is no going back. I could be with you for a night or for a year; the connection I make you believe we have is all the same. I’ll be the one that got away, but you never really had me. I gave you that fantasy, an illusion, false hope. I saw that I could make you happy for a short amount of time, and seeing you happy made me happy.
But then I get scared. I want commitment, but I’m too afraid to grasp it. And for that, you will pay. You’ll wonder what you did wrong, why you couldn’t keep my
interest. Most likely, you did nothing wrong. You showed interest in a girl. Maybe you were looking for a one-night stand, or maybe you were looking for something more, and there is nothing wrong with any of that. Except you thought you could find what you were looking for in me—and you were wrong.
The one-night stands end up wanting my commitment, but they won’t get to have it. The ones that want commitment end up with disappointment and shattered self-esteem. I will hurt you at your most vulnerable level. I will take your naked body and use if for my own pleasure, leave you wanting more physically and emotionally, and then just leave. Sex is just sex for me. I can’t remember the last time I honestly made love to a man.
I guess I am emotionally unavailable. I made that decision on purpose, after I was tired of being hurt. But now I feel nothing. I am so numb and the walls I have built are too high. I’ve isolated myself against guys like you—guys that don’t deserve to be hurt just because they made the mistake of crossing my path.
I am manipulative. I will make you believe that I want you more than anyone ever has and I will make you believe you have finally found what you are looking for, whatever that may be. I call myself independent, but maybe I’m just cold. Perhaps I’ve let my bad experiences dictate my thoughts and feelings. I might never know. You will absolutely never know, because I will never be vulnerable enough in front of you to figure it out.
I will not talk about my feelings and I will not communicate with you because I don’t want to get hurt. But most of all, I do not want to hurt you. So I make sure that you leave me. I’ll ignore you, I’ll tell you I’m talking to someone else, anything to make you leave me. You’ll be upset for a little while, but at least you’re not with me. That way I can’t keep on hurting you. I feel like I’m doing you a favor.
Sometimes we stay friends, sometimes we never talk again. But I’ll be there. Even though I tried to do the right thing in the end, my initial intentions were not pure. I wanted to get what I wanted, and I did. But I feel guilty about the pain I’ve caused you so I try to make it right.So to those poor guys that have encountered me, I am sorry. You didn’t know what you were walking into at the time. I hope you at least learned to watch out for girls like me and learned a little more about yourselves in the process. Good luck to you guys in the future you’re going to need it.
By Cali Richards