Coping with Infertility in Your Marriage

News of infertility can be devastating, not only to you as an individual, but also to your spouse. You are suddenly faced with the challenge of creating a family together. Infertility can put a strain on your marriage; however, it can also provide an opportunity to connect with your spouse on a different level and strengthen your bond with one another. The following provides some tips for keeping your marriage strong as you cope with the
difficulties of infertility.

Allow time for grieving.

You may be experiencing hopelessness and depression as a result of this traumatic event. Little things like children playing in the park or driving by the same toy store every day can serve as a reminder. It’s OK to take some time to grieve in order to overcome this stumbling block. Recognize that your partner may not grieve in the same way and may have different needs to overcome hurdles of infertility.

Support your partner.

Regardless of the actual cause, you are both suffering from infertility. Avoid blaming your partner or acting out in anger. It’s important to be understanding and to offer support to each other. Talking is the only way to understand what each of you is going through. Talk about how you feel about the situation, your expectations and what this means to you as a couple. It may not be easy to talk about it, so schedule a time to discuss. Know that one person may do more talking while the other is more comfortable in the listener role. Remember that you are a team.

Decide how much to tell others.

Often anger, shame or embarrassment may prevent you from sharing the news with others. Not telling friends and family might make you feel isolated, but making the news public might make your partner feel exposed in a negative way. When encountering any challenge in your life, it is important to have a positive support network. Confide with one another and decide how to approach it together (i.e., who should know, how much information to share, etc.).

Focus on the importance of your marriage.

The foundation of any family, no matter the size, is a healthy marriage. This relationship, when strong and healthy, can weather lots of ups and downs. Instead of focusing on your infertility or any “what if’s,” concentrate on nurturing your relationship. Using this opportunity to strengthen your bond with one another will provide a solid and welcoming environment if/when a child enters your lives. There are many books and community-based marriage/relationship workshops available to help you strengthen your marriage.

Infertility is not the end-all.

Although this is an unexpected obstacle, remember that there are alternatives that can allow you to actualize your dreams of parenthood. Different types of assisted reproductive technology (ART) are available including in vitro fertilization (IVF) and zygote intrafallopian transfer (ZIFT). Of course, treatment options will vary depending on the cause of your infertility. Adoption is another worthy and fulfilling alternative. Keep in mind that treatment options and adoption are often very costly which may create complications for you and your spouse financially. Discuss any potential options together to decide the best route for you to take as a couple.
News of infertility is sure to put your marriage to the test. Focus on the importance of your relationship and any opportunities you have to make your marriage stronger. Allow yourself to lean on your partner while offering your support and understanding in return. This will ensure that you make decisions together regarding the treatment options and alternatives that are best for your family.